Keep moving on.
You are okay.
You’ll get it.
There are answers.
June 30 2018
Keep moving on.
You are okay.
You’ll get it.
There are answers.
June 30 2018
Facing uncomfortable things is tough. An awkward conversation you don’t wanna have. A person you’re really not interested in meeting. Giving someone bad news. Admitting your mistakes.
But it has to be done.
I find that the best way is to close your eyes, muster up all the little bit of courage or will power you might have and just do it.
Go ahead, rip off the band-aid.
No entire day can ever go bad just because it started bad. A start of the day is just a period in time. A second, a minute, an hour. It maybe have provided a bad experience but it passed on. After that each moment that comes along in your day carries with it the magical potential to create joy, love, power and peace!
I have repeatedly rejected you for who you are. The anger and pride within you. Maybe some other emotions too.
Over time and reflection and practice I have realized that all the things that I have rejected in you are the things that I have rejected within me.
I don’t like to get or be angry. Hence assertion was something I was uncomfortable with.
I don’t like pride. Hence I was never able to truly love myself for what I do – my work or actions.
I don’t like hurting people. Hence I have never been able to speak my truth.
I don’t like self-power. Hence I have never been able to handle turbulence, violence and conflict well. I have always tried to cover it up.
Also, I have been seeking your love all my life. Never understanding that the love I seek is different from the love you give me. I have thought for years together that I have to be better, more, something else for you to be able to love me really. And my whole life all I have tried is to keep pleasing you.
You have been so crucial in making me see these things.
I didn’t speak to you for so long. All said and done this was and extremely difficult thing to do. I have been having repeated dreams about you. I have been crying for you. I have been asking everyone about you.
But there was something inside telling me that it’s not time yet.
If I had talked to you before this moment, it’s likely that I would’ve felt anger, hurt/unloved and fear but I would have suppressed it to make our relationship work.
I didn’t want that this time. I wanted to be in a place of acceptance of the anger, hurt, fear so that I could speak to you not to please you or to cover it up. But to speak what I really feel after truly understanding what I really feel.
Through meditation I have experienced anger to the fullest. I am now able to be angry at things or people and know that that is not bad. Anger exists to allow you to take action when it is needed. To allow you to not be mistreated by others. I experienced being powerful. It was a wonderful thing. I now know better how to use self-power to be constructive. To get my way without hurting the other and without hurting myself. I experienced pride too. I see that pride allows me to know that I have done the right thing needed at that given point of time.
I experienced extreme pain, hurt and not being loved. And I now understand that that too exists for a reason. You are able to hurt me cz I care. I care what you think about me, what you feel about me, what you say to me. I am also hurt because I am not loving myself. I am unable to love myself completely. And hence I keep looking for love outside.
Self-love is still a journey. Still walking on it and trying to understand the different ways in which I keep hating and hurting myself.
But a lot of it is sorted.
A lot of the time I am a stronger and better person right now because of you.
I am sorry if not talking with you has hurt you or upset you or angered you.
I am writing and not talking because I feel I can express a lot more truthfully while writing. Yet to see why that is.
Anyway, we’ll talk soon Baba.
Please know I truly love you. I have loved you all throughout even when I was angry or hurt.
I love you.
There is a spark inside of you.
It’s glowing. And I can see it.
I see it because it IS me.
Let it burn you.
Let it help you be reborn.
Let it destroy all the clutter,
So you may discover what is true within.
I am you.
I created you.
Because I wanted to know.
You were you then.
And then you lost you.
You created what you are today – all that is within and around you.
If you don’t like what’s external to you it is because there is something that you don’t like internal to you.
These words are deeper than you think.
They speak of denial. Of rejection. Of not being.
But you were.
And you are.
And you will be.
Will cause you pain.
And you will be set free.
Yes, it takes courage.
It takes understanding.
Step by step.
You will reach.
We’re forever part of the whole. We can never be separated. Never be really broken. Never be unloved. We’re loved inside and out in ways that we don’t understand in the normal experience of life. We falter in our steps, fall down, break down, act out, hate, fear, cry, run away from life. From experience itself. Because we don’t KNOW. Because we don’t understand. Because it’s beyond our comprehension that we’re forever loved. Always. Always. Let this sink in. ALWAYS.
Nothing in return. You don’t have to give back. You don’t have to create and you don’t have to learn. You don’t have to love back. You don’t have to repay. You can do all and everything. Anything you want. You can not do all and everything. Nothing you want. And you shall still be forever loved. Because love is what is. Love is all there is. Love is the only thing that exists. I don’t mean love as sex. I don’t mean love as attraction. I don’t mean love as attachment. I don’t mean love as respect. I mean love as acceptance and embracing to the fullest of whatever is. Whatever has existed. Whatever exists within you. Embracing. Do you remember your mother’s womb. That was close to love in it’s purest form. Acceptance and embracing. Like a tight hug. But even in the mother’s womb there are expectations. Imagine it without any. Imagine just pure love. I am sorry. Actually you can’t. We cannot imagine. For it needs to be experienced. For we need to pass through the lovely experience of healing. Harsh healing. I say harsh because you have to face everything. Every demon you ever created within you. All the pain and hurt and anger and fear you created within you. It comes rushing out the moment you decide to face it. Sit with it. It is beautiful. Yes I said beautiful. Pain is beautiful. For it shows that you love. Anger is beautiful. It gives you strength to stand up for what you believe in. Fear is beautiful. It saves you. Disgust though difficult to see is better than beautiful too. It shows you what’s wrong in the world. What’s wrong in you. It shows you that the only thing wrong inside of you is rejection.
The only thing not beautiful in itself is the rejection. The rejection of experience. The rejection and running away of what is. The cause of all our suffering. Realise. You don’t need to run away. Just be. Just exist. It’s all amazingly glorious. Amazingly intense. Amazingly there.
June 11, 2018
I’ve made numerous attempts to start a blog and always left it midway for one reason or the other.
I feel the reason was that I was rarely being true to myself while posting and trying too hard to make that blog into something else.
Today, I just suddenly felt like I should just simply start journalling. Not about anything too personal but mainly just my thoughts.
So here goes.
I woke up today feeling low and lazy. I watched and excellent movie called Afternoon Delight and it grew on my already-developing sense of dissatisfaction with life.
Believe me when I say I have more than enough to be a happy person. I’ve got a good family, great career and luck on my side. Things have always worked out and I am extremely grateful that they have. But there are just days when I begin contemplating about the point of it all. About how I keep trying to fill some never-ending cauldron called life with things and experiences.
Today was one of those days.
I am gonna start meditating again. The 3 months after November 6th last year were the best days of my life. The time when I was practicing Vipassana regularly.
The conclusion of today’s dissatisfaction was to find balance in life. And that’s what I am gonna do.